Do not be alarmed. Do not adjust your computer screen. This is not a blog about “deep thoughts”. This is not a blog post from an overpaid employee at The Greenwood Space Travel Supply Co. (located in Earth’s Capital, Seattle Washington, The Solar System). You have just received a transmission of events that may or may not have occurred across eons of space and time, through the very nebulas and galaxies you take for granted every day. You have just received is this week’s installment of:
CAPTIAN T. McGUILLICUDDY’S
ADVENTURES IN SPAAAAAACCCCEEE!
This week’s installment of ADVETURES IN SPAAAAACCCCEEE! Is brought to you by Pluto Postcards, available now at your local space travel supply store
Episode 364: Plutocracy is Not a Popularity Contest
We join our heroes Cpt. T. McGuillicuddy of the Roddenbomber Beta and faithful robot Andy as they hurtle through the cosmos on a daring and ridiculous mission. A galactic conference has been called on Neptune to decide the fate of the ball of ice lurking in the outer rim of the solar system: Pluto. The Pro-Plutonians are gathering their numbers for a full force protest. Cpt. T. McGuillicuddy and robo-companion Andy have been chosen to transport Earth’s top foreign policy advisor, Hologram Henry Kissinger, to mitigate the conflict. With less than 30,000 parsecs left before reaching Neptune, all systems are functioning smoothly and their course is true. But unbeknownst to our heroic travelers, they are on a collision course with the dreaded Kuiper Belt!
“Captain, are you aware that our current course has brought us dangerously close to the Kuiper Belt?”
“…Yes.”
“Might I suggest a slight change of course? The odds of surviving a flight through an asteroid field are 365,874 to 1.”
“Don’t give me that C3-pian logic Andy. You know we don’t have time for course changes, or even moderate reassessments of the situation. We have to get Hologram Henry Kissinger to Neptune before all hell breaks loose.”
“But Sir—“
A small asteroid bounced off the hull of the Roddenbomber, shaking the hologram unit off its shelf.
“Captain this is crazy! We’ll be pulverized.”
“Andy a good captain doesn’t know the meaning of the word crazy…or the word pulverized.”
Hologram Henry Kissinger materialized behind them.
“Excuse me bzzt but I believe what you two need is compromise bzzt.”
“What was that Andy?”
“It appears that the asteroid has shifted the contents of our overhead compartment drastically. Hologram Henry Kissinger, terminate program.”
The Hologram flickered then said:
“In crisis the bzzt most daring course bzzt is often the bzzt safest.”
“It seems to be malfunctioning Captain.”
“Nonsense! I’m starting to like him. Full speed ahead Andy!”
“Captain I don’t think that is the wisest—’’
“Relax Andy, I didn’t almost pass that class in cosmic course setting at space flight community college for nothing.”
“If you don’t know bzzt where bzzt you are going every bzzt road will get you bzzt nowhere.”
Captain Titan turned to Andy
“Yeah that thing is definitely busted. It doesn’t even make sense anymore.”
A red light flared across the dashboard. The ship began to rattle as asteroids bounced off the hull.
“Jesus Andy what’s that!?”
“It’s the Panic Indicator sir, we have entered the Kuiper Belt.”
“I see. You know I didn’t expect these asteroids to be so…big.”
“What are we going to do Captain?”
“The only thing we can do Andy. Hit the Panic Button.”
“But sir, we don’t even know what it does!”
“No time Andy, punch it!”
Will these brave space adventurer’s survive the Kuiper Belt? Will Andy find out what the Panic Button does? Will Hologram Henry Kissinger ever turn off? Stay tuned for the answers to these questions and more in the next transmission of:
CAPTAIN T. McGULLICUDDY’S
ADVENTURES IN SPAAAAAACCCCEEE!
Until next time keep your eyes on the stars and remember that February is ray gun safety awareness month at your friendly Greenwood Space Travel Supply Store.
